Yes yes, you suck, get on with it

Amidst floods of hugs, tears and dry roots, Michael Vaughan has stepped down as England captain after (Burger) King Smithy’s incredible heroics cost his side their first home series loss to SA in 43 years.

It doesn’t stop there. Despite a century straight out of last chance saloon, Paul Collingwood has followed suit and resigned as 1-day captain. What noble men they are, Vaughan and Collingwood (noble men who forgot how to hold a cricket bat). Both have been struggling for form, so they decided to make things easy for their selectors.

Enter: Arrogant Cockface McToolbox

Have you seen my reverse backside sweep and my massive penis?

Wow. We’re in for a cracking rest of the English summer. Smith and Pietersen are, by their own admission, the most AWESOME people in the world. With the test series already in the bag, the next 6 weeks look set to blow your mind as the 2 South African-born chosen-ones blow their wads all over themselves and each other.

Don’t get me wrong: In its context, Old Steak Pie’s innings on Sunday was one of the most sensational of all time. He certainly deserves his place in the side, he probably deserves the captaincy and he definitely deserves high fives, strippers, blowjobs and all the accolades that go with his truly remarkable performance.

He just doesn’t deserve an invitation to my party.

Because he’s a knob.

And that’s one of my rules: No knobs allowed at my party.

Pietersen can’t come to my party either. For the same reason. Anyhoo he’ll be too busy perfecting his new British accent. Rumor has it that he's looking to drop the 'i' from his surname (Pietersen) to make it sound more English. True Story. I mean true rumor. I know 'cause I made it up. Listening to him accepting his new role was a thing of beauty. It went a lot like this:

Kev-dog: Crumpets, Yes, I’ll give it a jolly good go old chap. I say, I used to talk like a cocky, abrasive dickhead… however I have circumnavigated that stage and now I just sound like a haughty tool. Let's retire to the longroom and take a nice warm cuppa.  Core Blimey old chap I suddenly notice a nip in the air. Gosh Darnit, my massive tallywacker is firming up somewhat. Strudles I am awesome.  

You're fooling nobody you philandering knob jockey. Good luck in the 4th test and congratulations on throwing away your wicket on 94 (fair enough I guess. Paul Harris is a remarkable slow bowling talent).  

This really is exciting stuff and it makes my long awaited comeback so much easier. Way to say goodbye to writers' block. 

Incidentally it also means that the Captains and Vice Captains of both sides are ALL South African, with Andrew Strauss taking up the deputy position for the poms.

Hey, aren't the Olympics starting soon as well?

You

So the hate mail is coming in.

This is one of the more humorous examples thereof. Humorous because i know it's an idle threat, Timmy. You're 2 years old for God's sake. How do you plan to end my life?

I must say, your ability to master the digital camera, photoshop and the Ultraweb show tremendous dexterity on your part. I was impressed you even made it out your cot.

Anyway, tell your mom I miss her.

Lots of love,

Your Dad, the Beast 

Dammit

I have to stop lying to you all.

"I'm back in the game"

"Just give me a few weeks"

"OK, Now I'm finally online"

"This time it's for real!"

For 2 months I was imprisoned

Alright, Travolta's had a bunch of comebacks. The average Joe normally get 3 strikes before he's out. The boy who cried wolf only got two let offs before the cows started boning him and his sheep. But I just want one more chance... This whole Cape Town - Dubai transition has been a little more taxing than i expected, but things are slowly starting to mellow. So give me one more week and I'll make all your dreams come true.

CUE SABC 1 - Give Him Another Chance

And now I have been Unimprisoned / Set Free

I will make you happy again.

I promise.

Again.

Only this time, i mean it.

Again.  

Jeez kids, be positive. We have SO much to catch up on.

What has The Beast been up to the last 8 weeks?

I’m glad you asked. See, I’ve been unearthing CONVINCING evidence that US presidential hopeful Barack Obama is the lovechild of legendary soul singer, Marvin Gaye. Take a look:

Barack

Barack's dad

Exactly. I didn’t even use Photochop.

Let’s examine Marvin’s credentials:

-          He wrote Let’s Get It On

-          He took Heard It Through The Grapevine to Number 1.

-          He (and not Ben Harper) was first to offer Sexual Healing

-          He (and not Diana Ross) was first to record Aint No Mountain High Enough

-          He released What’s Going On. Widely regarded as the greatest non-rock album of all time. His song of the same name is probably the most profound musical statement of all time, and behind only Like A Rolling Stone, Imagine, and Satisfaction as Rolling Stone’s 4th Greatest Song of all time. When you consider the obvious bias in their No.1 choice, the lack of imagination in their No.2 and the dissatisfaction provided by their No.3 – you’d have to realistically give it the Academy Award for Greatest Song in the World. Ever.

So we’ve established that Marvin Gaye competed at the business end. He spent the entire game deep in the opponents half. If he were a national Waterpolo side, he’d be Hungary or Poland or something. He was the type of guy who dips everything in Awesome Sauce.

Unfortunately his dad was not. Marvin Senior shot him dead in a family squabble. Which is a crying shame. Dads really should refrain from killing their sons. Even when things get a little heated:

“Please pass the salt pops”

“No, you promised to cut down on your sodium chloride intake son”

"I know, but it’s so delicious on these here fried eggs. Send it over old man."

"I’m warning you my boy, don’t… "

" Dad, I’m not gonna ask aga…"

BANG!

So unnecessary. What are you doing with a .44 at the breakfast table anyway?

So the whole getting-killed-by-your-dad thing was less than ideal, but thankfully for us all, Marvin’s lovechild is a chip off the old block. He’s all about change and hope and the good virtues that his old man espoused. In fact you almost get the feeling that Barack Obama wrote What’s Going On.

Barack? Marvin

Barack writes about father Marvin

I can already see his first speech as president:

Brother, Brother, Brother, we don't need to escalate. You see, war is NOT the answer for only love can conquer hate. You know we've got to find a way to bring some Mclovin' here today. 

Picket lines and picket signs… don't punish me with brutality! Talk to me, so you can see what's going on. 

At this point a choir of journalists will interrupt in unison (sounding much like Jeremiah Wright’s congregation) with:  

What's going on? 

Barack then continues:  

Yeah, what's going on. What's going on. You know we've GOT to find a way to bring some understanding here today. 

This seems like as good a time as any to let this resurface.  

I’m sure the all-star cast would be only too happy to do a repeat performance in solidarity with Marvin’s eldest son.

So, umm, there it is… vote Obama.

That’s right. BeastInsight is Barack Back with a bang.

Get Involved!

The Arabian Interweb is almost ready.

That's all I'm gonna say!

Check your date. It's not the 1st of April.

I know i should have told you sooner, i just wanted to see that look on your face.

Yes, THAT look.

That  one.

So it's mindfuck city right now - what with the Beast busy hooking up a pad, a car, some chicks etc. Give me some time.

Don't think I don't know what you're thinking right now... “What a fraud, how can he be loudly South African from the Middle East?”

Pipe down sweetheart. I have some treats in store. As soon as I get my shit together we’re all go.

Besides, The Middle East is a good place to be right now... what with a Soviet Submarine parked in Durban harbour about to launch nukes into Botswana (I take no responsibility for the accuracy of that last statement. News is laden with spice here).

There is far too much crazy shit happening here for me to keep quiet for any significant length of time. Regular programming will resume shortly. I promise.

As soon as I stop sweating all over the keyboard.

You know what... I'm fine with this!

I'm just surprised Meatloaf hasn't eaten this pie chart.

"You better believe it..."

Thanks The Greek

The FNB Cup is a new Tournament that places the best young Rugby talent on display for your enjoyment. It’s been great so far because, all over the country, stands have been packed with reams of stinking belters! It’s like first-year-spread doesn’t exist anymore. It’s been replaced by every-year-smoking-belterdom. And I’m fine with it. Thank God for rags like Cosmo, Marie Claire and Shape. And drinks like Vawter. Girls are finally saying NO to Carbs!

Young saviour sends it wide

Moving swiftly along, yesterday was Semi-Final day and Springbok coach Peter De Villiers was on the hill to watch the Ikey Tigers take on PUKKE (I think they’re a veterinary college in Upington). Now you'll notice too that 'Pukke' almost looks like the word ‘puke’ – We'll have more on that later. The first 3.5 hours of the match were pretty beige due mainly to lank handling errors. But the last hour or two were absolutely delicious and completely off the charts.

Here’s the official Supersport running commentary of the last 15 minutes as UCT found themselves 21 points adrift and looking all sorts of out of sorts. I promise it's official. <nicks>  Enjoy:

15 minutes Remaining: ...ball's out to flyhalf Matthew Rosslee who looks like like a young Robert Redford with blonde hair AS HE MAKES HIS 82nd line break of the match, UCT go over in the corner, Rosslee calmly slots the conversion. 31 – 17. Still, victory seems impossible.

2 minutes later: Same story. Quite sublime stuff from the young hero. Rosslee has a hand in the try. Rosslee converts. 31 – 24. UCT Not out of the match just yet.  

He kicked it over. Obviously.

5 minutes later: Lightning fast UCT wing Matthew Turner (notice the first name?) goes over in the corner for his 712th try of the tournament. Sensational Rondebosch old boy Matthew Rosslee’s conversion attempt shaves the upright and misses by a ball hair. Somebody probably shone a laser at him. 31 – 29. They’re running out of time.

1 minute to go on the stadium clock: Rosslee breaks line again. Get’s hammered by a great tackle but STILL manages to offload. Rosslee very much down and not looking well. Strike that... Rosslee looks DEAD. Perhaps he’s concussed. This is not good. Rosslee pukes! (I told you we’d bring it up later). He is clearly seen on camera – throwing up. That’s how hard he was hit. It was probably an illegal tackle. The PUKKE oke probably should have been sent off and UCT should have had a penalty. It’s true. Reckless stuff. He’s lucky he wasn’t banned for life. He should be expelled from PUKKE – wherever that is. OK maybe that’s a bit harsh. Surely young star Rosslee will be stretchered off. Now there is but a Dumb and Dumber 1 in a million chance that UCT pull this out the fire. But there is a chance.

20 seconds to go: HE’S UP. It’s a miracle he can even walk. Rosslee burns a whole through the stretcher with his steely gaze. He’s not leaving the field. Surely there’s no one brave enough to force him off the pitch.

2 minutes into injury time: Rosslee probably concussed, but  showing no signs of it. He does all the work and then positions himself in the slot on the PUKKE 10 metre line. He wipes the remaining vom from his cheek before receiving the pass. Surely he can’t kick a drop goal from here... He lines up. It’s a beauty. Hey, isn’t that Francois Steyn? No mofo’s. It’s Matthew Rosslee. Bosch Old Boy and hero. The ball careers into the right hand upright. What a kick. So close. The wind must have gusted. Surely it’s too late now.

17th minute of injury time: Apparently it wasn’t too late. Rosslee has been involved in every play in recent memory. AND NOW THOSE CHEEKY PUKKERS ARE BLOWN FOR OFFSIDE! There’s time for one more move in the game. A penalty from the same spot as the drop attempt, from what seems like an aeon ago. What the fuck is an aeon? I don’t know. I think it’s a long way. Kinda like this kick. Can ANYONE make this kick?

coughMatthewRossleecough. Excuse me. I have a cold.

19th minute of injury time: Rosslee lines up. Approaches. He kicks. It sails through the uprights and over the crossbar. 60 000 fans go off their tits. 32 – 31. Final whistle blows. UCT are the Rugby World Cup  World Champions of the World Rugby Universe. Dan Carter calls his agent about “exchanging ideas” with this young prodigy. Jonny Wilkinson hits the bottle again and thinks about calling it a day. Macgyver calls to say he wants his hairstyle back. Matthew Rosslee politely thanks everyone for coming out and mumbles something about going home to feed the chickens and high five his CD collection. Coach Robbie Fleck recognises the symptoms and declares that Matthew indeed received a concussion. Matthew walks it off and Pukes again - this time for fun.    

Matthew Rosslee is from a family of Superstars. In fact rumour has it - AND RUMOUR IS RIGHT - that Matthew and his brothers are ACTUAL NINJA TURTLES and their mom is April O'Neill. Oh you want proof do you? Well look what Splinter just sent me:

Matthew or Raphael. Or Your Highness. Either way. He doesn't mind.

Excuse me while I pop off on a little tangent quickly. Peter De Villiers is on a salary of R1.4 million. It’s reasonable to assume that he works a 40 hour week like the rest of you, so when you throw in a couple weeks of holiday, a few other variables and plug them into my new Casio Calculator – Peter De Villiers makes about R1000 an hour. The game lasted about 4 hours, De Villiers had to drive there and home etc. so it’s safe to say that 6 hours of his day were dedicated to the first Semi Final. Matthew Rosslee was instrumental in pretty much every play of the game... so it’s fair to say that yesterday, Peter De Villiers was paid R6000 to watch him.

Apparently the Rosslee's have just won the Academy Award for Most Awesome Trio of Big Blonde Brothers in the world. Ever. Here's a picture of them just before the winner was announced. Look at how relaxed they look:

Thumbs up. Cool as you like. It's in the bag. The brothers agree!

The Springbok coach was paid R6000 to watch Matthew Rosslee.

That’s a great way to earn a living.

Congrats UCT.. on a heck of a comeback.

Oh, an April Fools joke. That's funny stuff.

Happy 1st day of April, kids

Although Eskom obviously weren't joking when they ground productivity to a halt at 10am:

Eskom: Hmmm, 1st of April you say... Interesting. I wonder what will happen IF I DO THIS. Click.

<100 000 homes lose power, just like that>

Eskom: Happy April Fool's Day fuckers! Moohaahahaa (evil laugh)

Crisis. This is ridiculous.

Waaaahahahaha!!!

I  get it.

Do YOU  get it?

I definitely get it.

I'm pretty sure I get it.

I doubt that you get it. Here, let me explain it to you:

That big purple thing walking out with his/its bags is Gavin The Cartoon Penis. It's metaphysical metaphorical. And that girl holding on to the penis's tail represents a girl holding on to "the love". She can't accept that "the love" is "gone". She's can't accept that it's over between her and Gavin The Cartoon Penis.